On The Wagon

As of today - alcohol has not graced my lips in a month. Other than when I did the South Beach diet and had to abstain for 2 weeks - I think this may be one of the longest periods of total alcohol free living since I was 30 years old.

I know that if I am pregnant - it will be a lot longer than 30 days - but it is so interesting to me that social drinking is such an integral part of my existence. In the past month - I have had more inquiries from people (even strangers at business dinners) about why I am refusing wine or champagne. At a dinner 2 weeks ago - even the banquet server was incredulous when I asked for iced tea instead of wine. She said "are you sure? not even just a little?"

The funniest part of all of this is that DH is not a big drinker - so he loves that I am on the wagon. For him, this means if he wants to have a strawberry daquiri or a pina colada with his dinner - I will drive home.

Me on the other hand - I am reading Food and Wine and dreaming of pasta and chianti. Or thinking about a nice bottle of Kim Crawford Sauvignon Blanc.

I tried Fre - the non-alcoholic wine by Sutter Home. I won't make that mistake again - I still have nightmares thinking about it.

Update

Greetings,

Embryo transfer completed - now on modified couch/bedrest watching tv and reading my favorite blogs.

I have started the infamous 2ww (two week wait) and am happy to report that I have no desire to POAS (pee on a stick). I will wait until the blood test that the clinic schedules for me in mid-July.

I have nothing pithy to say about any of this - we all know that I never imagined going down this road -and now that I started down the road and am totally results oriented -I want a positive outcome.

On another note - let me send birthday shout-outs to Elk Grove, CA and Sharon, MA.

Ruler of The Roost

If you look to the left - you will see the picture of the ruler of the roost. DH & I call him that jokingly - but today he reminded me why he is my #1 yorkie man.

When I got in the shower earlier today - he left his rawhide in the living room and came to stand guard while I was in the shower. It is the cutest thing ever- this little 9 pound yorkie - laying on the bathroom rug - facing the door to protect me against intruders.

He does the same thing when I am sleeping - he lays at the foot of the bed - facing the open door - to protect against intruders.

I know he could be distracted with cheese or a raw hide - but it is the thought that counts!

The 411 on the next week

Here is a blow-by-blow of the next week for us . . the games begin tomorrow with retrieval and then the eggs will spend a few days bonding with DH's sperm and sometime next week we go to transfer.

There are numerous stages to every IVF treatment cycle, each of which must be reached and completed before moving on to the next stage:

• more than one should egg develop - completed
  

• eggs should mature - completed
  

• ovulation should not occur before the eggs can be collected - completed
  

• eggs must be retrieved during the "pick-up" - 6/24/07
  

• sperm must fertilize at least one egg - completed
  

• fertilized eggs must divide and grow healthily - completed
  

• embryos might get implanted in the uterus - in progress
  

How is embryo transfer performed ?

Embryo Transfer
Embryo transfer is most often done on an outpatient basis. No anesthesia is used, although some women may wish to have a mild sedative. The patient lies on a table or bed, usually with her feet in stirrups.. Using a vaginal speculum, the doctor exposes the cervix. One or more embryos suspended in a drop of culture medium are drawn into a transfer catheter, a long, thin sterile tube with a syringe on one end. Gently, the doctor guides the tip of the loaded catheter through the cervix and deposits the fluid containing the embryos into the uterine cavity. The procedure should be done with great care and usually takes between 10 and 20 minutes. Some doctors perform the transfer under ultrasound guidance, to ensure proper placement of the embryos in the uterine cavity.

Most clinics today transfer 2-3 good quality embryos on Day 2 or Day 3. Embryos are graded according to their appearance and rate of cell-division and good quality embryos are those which have 4-8 cells, of equal size, with clear cytoplasm, and with few fragments. These are called Grade A embryos. Embryos with more fragments are assigned a lower grade, and they usually have a lower chance of implanting . However, the babies which result from these embryos are completely normal, if they do implant successfully. You should ask the doctor to show you your embryos under the microscope. Some times, only embryos of poor quality are available for transfer. While the chance of getting pregnant when only poor quality embryos are transferred, you can be reassured that if a pregnancy results, the children will be normal.


What happens after the embryo transfer ?

The terrible 2ww - 2 week wait !

The embryo transfer completes the medical treatment in the IVF cycle and most clinics provide "luteal phase support" after the transfer , usually with estrogen tablets and progesterone suppositories, to increase the chances of implantation. However, this period is often the hardest part of an IVF cycle for the patient, because of the agony and suspense of waiting to find out if a pregnancy has occurred. This can be determined by a blood test , which measures the level of the hormone, HCG ( human chorionic gonadotropin) only 10 to 14 days after the transfer. For many patients, these 14 days are often the longest days of their life !

A positive beta HCG level ( of more than 10 miU/ml) means you are pregnant, and the doctor will then monitor your pregnancy to confirm it is healthy; intrauterine; and to check how many embryos have implanted.

Contented

I don't know if "contented" is a real word. I don't know because I don't use it often as it is a state of being with which I am generally not familiar.

Which brings us to why it is the title of this morning's blog. I woke up contented this morning - everything feels right in my world. If there is heaven on earth - I feel like I am in it.

I have been off the travel roller coaster for weeks, getting to spend nights at home with DH and our dogs. We just bought an AMAZING house that I love, I am confident that the condo will sell soon and I am blessed with loving friends and family.

Things are looking good in IVF land - I am responding well to my medications and I am visualizing a successful embryo transfer sometime next week.

Thank you everybody for the prayers and positive vibes - they are really working.

TGIF

I am so glad it is Friday.  I need to sleep for 48 hours - this has been a very long and exciting week.  Between IVF treatments,  home buying and the j-o-b,  yours truly is exhausted. 

I have lunch with my boss today and a couple of phone calls this morning and then I am free. 

Today the exterminator comes to the new house - and thus ends the locksmith, cleaning crew and exterminator trilogy. Tomorrow we have California Closets and the Myer-Emco man coming and then we are free of intruders for awhile.

I ordered a new window, a storm door and the front gutter for the roof on Wednesday - that cost about the same things as 6 pairs of Jimmy Choos.  That is my new unit of measurement  . . 

When I picked up the certified check for closing - I told the teller that I need a check which could buy 84 pairs of Jimmy Choos. Unfortunately - the humor was lost on him.  But I chuckled. Cracking myself up is my new favorite pastime.

Please send "sell the condo vibes" out into the universe - DH is getting worried and I am trying hard not to get caught in his energy.  I would like a ratified contract sometime in the next couple of weeks - mainly because I HATE TO MAKE THE BED and since I am the last one in it most days - I have to do it  . . . 

Finally - we are getting closer to retrieval in IVF land - so please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers.  While I would be very happy for a healthy singleton - If I could choose - I would like healthy twins . . . after all - since I have determined that 3 children is the magic number - I need a set of multiples to make it happen sooner rather than later.

Miss K.

First House

We did it! DH and I closed on the house today - we are officially homeowners  - with a 5,000 square foot backyard and a mortgage to prove it!  We are both exhausted and laying bed. I am blogging and Mr. Man is reviewing the surveyor's plot drawing - so he can plan his next project - the landscaping.  We are so happy and appreciative of all the good wishes shared by everyone.

Please believe me . .

they call it a "ultrasound probe" - I call it a "fake p*nis".

I am just saying - the probe looks like a narrow vibrator with a baggy c*ndom on it and without fail - every time we go to the doctor's office and I see it - waiting there for me - I make some off color comment about the tool and DH turns red with shame, the male doctor looks mortified and the nurse guffaws.  

My theory is that if I am going to be in the stirrups with God and Country observing and smiling like this is a normal event - in some dimly lit tiny exam room - then I am absolutely going to perform!  Who am I kidding? A captive audience and a fake p*nis . . . make my day.

I am feeling pretty good today - doctor's appointment went well - and we remain on track for retrieval and transfer at the end of the month.

The pressure is now on DH and his super swimmers to get ready for show time on June 25th. We may have to travel to some location out of state for "good" magazines - as he swears that the selection in the lab at the clinic is laughable.

I can hear MommyDearest24 gasping out loud and wondering what happened to her daughter - just remember I promised to put my life on blast and here it is!

Talking in My Sleep

DH tells me I was waxing philosophical in my sleep on Friday night about infertility. As always - this was in my normal speaking voice - just at 3 a.m. Of course,  I was conversing with myself and some unknown person.  DH only gets to hear my side of the conversation - so we never really know the full context. I think he should get a tape recorder - because he can't remember what I said - but he definitely knows the topic was infertility.  I wish I was surprised - but I am not.  Clearly - my subconscious is working overtime.

Being in the middle of an IVF cycle is one of the most emotionally draining things I have ever done.  Knowing the last cycle was cancelled and how traumatic that was for us - I feel like everyday I am waiting to have the carpet pulled out from under me.  Even though I am trying to stay positive - I am scared as h*ll.  We will do the egg retrieval, fertilization and g*d willing and the crick don't rise - embryo transfer the last week of June.  

I am so checking in to a hotel for 5 days for  strict "bed rest" and DH can come over nightly to give me the amazing progesterone in oil shot in the a** - that is supposed to aid in implantation.

Some days - I feel like the Hyundai  Dealership of Infertility Clinics committed minor malpractice.  As I have gotten more educated about the different protocols RE's use - I can't believe that I underwent 3 IUI's with Clomid and was never prescribed progesterone suppositories or told to relax for 24-48 hours after the insemination.  I know - what's done is done - and I agree it may have been too soon for us to get PG - but still.

I continue to hope for the best and am really believing that a little red wine would help take the edge off - but DH is standing his "no wine" ground.  So I will keep drinking club soda and crystal light and plan to have a drink sometime in 2008 or 2009 - after the shop is closed.

Untitled

On Wednesday - my friend L.M.M. lost her mother.

People keep asking if it was unexpected - I don't know how to answer. Yes Mrs. B. was ill - but do you ever expect to lose your Mom? Or do you just realize that it is inevitable? My grandma is 88 - I know that she will not be here forever - but I don't expect to lose her . .

Part of what makes this so hard - is the realization that we are not kids anymore - we have kids now. So at our age - our parents are aging and death is a natural progression. But it feels wrong.

I only met Mrs. B. twice - but I have known her daughter for almost 8 years.

And from the first day we met - L.M.M. has been my girl.

When I wanted to get even with a hussy who was spending time with my then lying, cheating and now ex-boyfriend - she offered to put her newborn and toddler in the mini-van and drive me out to east hell maryland to tear some sh-t up and when I came to my senses 20 minutes later - and said never mind - she just smiled and said okay.

We have cried over AMEX bills that were more than our take home pay.

We have spent hours talking about everything and nothing in particular.

She has given me some sage advice that she got from her Mom . . my favorite being " Don't let yourself go after marriage - because your husband might lose his mind - and if you have to leave his ass - no other man wants a dumpy woman with 2 kids that are not his." I have decided this only applies if you were not dumpy to begin with . . . but I love it nevertheless.

I wonder what stories my kids will tell about me someday -I hope that I give them enough material so that there friends are quoting The Divine Miss K on the regular.

I am off to bed - because in the words of MommyDearest24 "Nothing Good Happens After 11:00 pm".

Ten Thoughts That I Need to Get In Writing

1. Estrogen shots in the a-- at 10 pm at night give me a raging headache the next morning. For this I might as well be hung over - that lovely "mack truck ran over my head" feeling is here again today.

2. I am going to be really sad if this IVF cycle does not work - so I am contemplating sending a preliminary application to the adoption agency - so we can run parallel tracks. DH gave his blessing to this the other day.

3. If I am not pregnant at the time we move into our new house - I am getting another yorkie puppy - so I will have someone to mother while I wait for my Ethiopian Twins to come home. I already have my kennel picked out . . DH is a little sketchy on this one.

4. We are going to go ahead and invest in 2 new TV's when we move - one for the kitchen and a big one for the family room. I was the hold up on that and finally realized that since we will be spending more time at home eating air sandwiches - we might as well have more than one TV - because renting movies is cheaper than going out.

5. Why is everybody pregnant? Or am I just noticing it more?

6. Had an awesome lunch yesterday with realandspectacular. It is funny how you meet people and think they must be your twin sister who your mom gave away to be raised by others. I want to give a realandspectacular a shout out here - as she is an awesome woman and I feel blessed to have her as a girlfriend.

7. I wonder if I could have gotten pregnant with no drama at 25? But then I would have been an unwed mother or been in a bad marriage that would have made me a single mom with kids - so banish the thought.

8. For those of you who have been around for at least a decade - I was driving down the street yesterday and saw the british hairdresser outside the salon where he works. I have not laid eyes on him since March 1998 - he looks the same. My heart did not skip a beat. Instead I laughed.

9. We had dinner last night with J.A.L and her parents. We are buying her house next week and then she is moving to Florida. Her parents are in town - so the 5 of us went to dinner. It is bittersweet that she is leaving - in the past month we have really developed a friendship and I am going to miss her. Her dad says when he closes his eyes - he can't tell which of us is talking.

10. I have a lot going on right now - buying a house, trying to sell the condo, in the middle of an IVF cycle, stressful job, trying to keep a sunny disposition, on the wagon, etc. . . and realizing that I am really an adult and this is my life.

Okay people - not my usual style - but I wanted to get all those things out and need to start my day.

My Public

I had a conversation with Obamamama today and asked if she had been reading my blog. She pointed out that I had stopped posting with regularity - so she was only checking it once a week. That got me thinking and it is true - my favorite bloggers post daily - and I am disappointed when they have not posted for a few days. And since popular opinion knows that the world revolves around The Divine Miss K - I feel like my public is clamoring for me . . . and I am humbled. Citizens of the World - I am back. I commit to a return to the daily postings - of the good, the bad and the scary as h-ll.

When it rains, it pours.

There is so much going on in my life right now - that I don't even know where to start. My mom was in town over the weekend - we had a great time - there was a family wedding on Saturday morning and then we just hung out the rest of the weekend. She left on Monday morning.

We close on the new house next Tuesday afternoon - I am excited and nervous at the same time. I need to keep reminding myself that after I bought the condo - I did not really get furniture and do any renovations for almost 3 years . . . I had to get used to what was then a "gigantic" mortgage. Now this mortgage is like a bee sting - compared to where we are headed.

No news on the condo selling front - we have had 2 open houses and not a serious nibble yet. The market is just horrible and since we are not having a fire sale - this is going to take awhile. We can handle both mortgages if we need to - but that will not be fun. But looking at the bright side - if I get mad at DH and the dogs - I can escape to my piedeterre in the country . . . so I will be leaving the phone and cable on for a bit.

Our realtor asked us not to move any of the furniture out of the living room, office, master bedroom or dining room - because the place shows so well as is - I am all for it. This way we can move the contents of the storage units and do all the painting, cleaning, exterminating and rewiring without worrying about how to arrange the furniture.

All this is happening while we are on the IVF merry-go-round. I am nervous in a good way and am keeping my fingers crossed that this works - so as I read in another of my favorite blogs - this would be a good time to ask you all to get on your knees and say a little prayer for us.

Mr. Wonderful

It is really hard to be superwoman - but we all try to do it. It is funny how it becomes so ingrained - that we don't even know we are doing it. Today I was reminded that I don't have to be superwoman - and that when it gets so bad that I can't see it - Mr. Wonderful comes to the rescue.

We started round 2 of IVF hell this weekend - it is actually not so bad - in that we are only doing the lupron portion right now - so those are baby needles. But as you all know - I make a pact with the devil during these times and stop drinking alcohol completely - so my nightly wine and/or martini is not an option - even if I beg. But I digress . . .

We had an appointment for baseline bloodwork and an ultrasound this morning at 7:30 am - which means leaving home at 6:45 am. So I feel sleep deprived and am already exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster of infertility - but I am in it to win it.

I am not in the mood to type all the details - but let's just say the Mercedes Dealership of Infertility Clinics - functioned like a used car lot in a bad neighborhood this morning. It was absolutely appalling. And here is where my DH - known today as Mr. Wonderful - let me know that I don't have to be superwoman.

After witnessing my tears of frustration - even though I assured him I would be fine and would give a call to someone at the clinic to see what could be done - he decided that no one was going to bring me to tears over their incompetence and without even telling me - he called the office and let them know that he expected this to be handled by the end of the day and he wanted a call back to know it was done.

Meanwhile - I had called the same person and left a voicemail - simply asking for a return call.

Flash forward two hours - the clinic staff person - calls me back - and says when she listened to her messages and heard my DH on the machine - she knew something was not right - as she and I talk weekly and they have only met once. She said he was incredibly professional about the whole thing - but made it crystal clear - that "no one would bring his wife to tears and that he wanted it fixed . . end of story."

I know this is a lengthy post - but my heart is bursting with love for my husband tonight. I cannot tell you how much it means to feel taken care of - supported and protected.

I will go to bed tonight with a smile - knowing that today I did not have to be superwoman . . . because superman took care of me and and all my needs.