Pregnancy Euphoria . . . Sort Of

Today is a yucky day. I really am enjoying this pregnancy and trying to figure out how to get one more under my belt in a quick fashion - but today I am just feeling blah!

I guess I am entitled - it is a gray, rainy day, I need a new computer and my husband is about to leave for the day to go watch his team try and make the playoffs.

I feel super responsible most days - but today I think I may just go buy a new laptop - so that I can do all the cool multimedia stuff I want to do when the baby arrives - movies with my new HD video camera, a website to keep the family updated on the happenings and just general stuff.

The laptop is straddling the want/need line and perhaps I can write it off for my CM business anyway . . that money maker that it is.

No Excuses

I still love blogging - but it seems like competing priorities trump blogging at every turn. To blog to to sleep . . I sleep. To blog or to eat breakfast . . I eat breakfast. To blog or to read pregnancy books . . I read pregnancy books. You get the picture.

I am touched/humbled/amused that a few good friends who actually read the blog have mentioned that they miss it - I actually miss it as well. It is kind of bittersweet that the infertility stress that caused me to start the blog is behind us - as I move comfortably through the second trimester of pregnancy. Bittersweet in that infertility gave me so much material to blog about - whereas pregnancy has taken me to a very different place.

Pregnancy is like planning a wedding - except that I don't have a date certain for the big event. I have all the planning for sure - but instead of flowers and a caterer - I am thinking cribs and breast pumps. Now that I am feeling more secure about carrying to term (that does not mean stop praying for us) I am even getting excited about having a couple of baby showers . . which of course means a chance to interact with my public - although I will be wearing maternity clothes instead of a sleek chic pant suit . .

I was remembering today about the wonderful engagement party that PGC and Obamamama hosted for SS and I the June before our wedding. I bought a fabulous outfit - had my hair and makeup done - such the diva. Flash forward 2.5 years - PGC and Obamamama will offered to host a baby shower - for this one - I will likely squeeze into the most comfortable maternity pants I own - blow my hair dry and pray that I actually look pregnant and not obese in the photos.

Which is my latest dilemma - having only gained 10 pounds with this pregnancy - which is perfectly normal - given that I was 60 pounds overweight when I got pregant - but that means that I don't look pregnant to most people - I think I have to start wearing tight maternity clothes soon - because I am about to start parking in Reserved for The Stork space . . .

creativity

i still think of myself as witty and creative - i just no longer have the energy to demonstrate it anywhere except in my own head. i have illusions of pithy blogs and fancy scrapbooks - but they get lost in the need for me to go to bed at 9:30 p.m. and then function all day at work. what . . . i am human . . . so it isn't so!

can't believe we are almost at the 20 week mark - halfway through with the journey. very excited about meeting baby d.

i might have said this before - but for me - being pregnant is a whole lot easier than getting pregnant - i may go for irish twins - just to get this done quickly - so i can have the 2 kids we are planning on and then get my heidi klum body back . . .

still hanging in here . .

I still love my blog - but my life seems to be getting in the way of writing. I am now 4.5 months pregnant - which is kind of exciting - I am almost halfway to the finish line. Betcha did not know that you are really preggers for 10 months . . oh how we crave to be members of this inner circle - then we get here and bam . . .you can't believe that come march 17th - if not a little sooner or a little later - you are a mommy and your life is never your own again. still i am very excited about this whole thing.

where was i? oh yeah - who has time to blog between working, sleeping and waiting for the day that my stomach "pops" - i felt a little flutter the other day - not a bona fide kick - but a flutter nevertheless. SS has felt it too - we get a little geeked by the whole thing . .

glad to know that PGC, BOP and LaHolley are keeping the faith for the blog . . it inspires me!

okay - bedtime.

DMK

what i love

1. Maternity Underwear
2. Bra Extenders
3. Brach's Spice Drops
4. Cracker Barrel Cheddar Cheese Sticks
5. Candy Corn
6. Being "weight neutral" to date in this pregnancy
7. Friends like BWG, ODM, BOP & Lovely - who make pregnancy fun
8. SS for being my BFF even when I am crazy . .
9. Mommydearest 24 for being a Mom and a friend - in whatever order I need
10. Seester for teaching me the value of well made merchandise
12. The Dinkman & Miss J12 for being excellent marriage role models
13. LaHolley for her unconditional love and generosity
14. Sparkling water with a splash of lemonade

These are the things that made me smile today . .

busy again . .

despite my promises to the contrary - i find myself way to busy for my own good. catching a train this evening for a meeting in new jersey - then returning tomorrow and looking at a week filled with work, work and more work. this on top of trying to keep a house clean, groceries in the fridge and a level of organization that i think is minimal at best - is wearing me out. i want to give SS his props for mopping the floor last night after i went to bed - but it had been filthy for 2 weeks - so the joy goes out the window when you have been asking someone to mop for 2 weeks. i am feeling frustrated today to say the least - like i can't keep up and even if i wanted to hire a weekly housekeeper - i need to get the house in order first - so she has something to clean . . . i know i am not alone in this struggle - but man it makes a sunday un-fun.

maternity clothes . .

so as i rapidly approach 4 months - i think my stomach is telling me it is time to get a maternity top or two . . . so tonight i decided to go to target and see what i could find. i bought nothing - i cannot wrap my arms around the idea that i have to tie a string in the back of my shirt . . does this mean i need to go a "designer" maternity shop to buy clothes that don't look like they are mumus with a string . . this is so wrong. i don't want to spend oodles of money on clothes that will get worn once and tossed - so back to the drawing board. let the world think i am just fat in the mid-section . . .

She lives . .

I am still here - just been travelling a lot for work and trying to get the house unpacked/set up. Pregnancy is going well - now I am 14 weeks - time to come out of the closet - so I am slowly beginning to tell people - I keep wondering "when is the right time" - 16 weeks? 20 weeks? I don't think there is a good answer - so I am just telling as I feel like it . . . my boss already knows - but I need to tell the rest of the Leadership Team - think I will do that at our next meeting on October 9th . . I will be about 17 weeks . . .

Joel Osteen

This morning I am once again in love with Joel Osteen. Shortly before SS and I got married - I read Your Best Life Now - and loved it.

Flash forward 2 years - I have gotten so wrapped up in this thing called my life - that I forgot how much I enjoy christianity/spirituality as a guide to good decision making. It is not that Joel tells you what to do - or shoves the bible down your throat - it is just that he shares by example and tells stories that make sense to me.

Today's lesson was about making choices and practicing behaviors - to help direct you to where you want/need to be in order to live the life that God has intended.

Why it is so relevant to us today is as follows: yesterday we went "looking" for patio furniture. SS does not believe me when I say I don't want to shop unless I intend to buy - otherwise I feel like I am on a fool's errand. Anyway, we find the most fabulous teak patio furniture - all on sale . . . but we have no money to buy it. We talked about whether or not we should charge it, if we could find some cash somewhere, what to do?? Luckily - we utilized the 24 hour rule and bought nothing.

Lo and behold - this morning Joel's message was about practicing saying no to using your charge card - when you don't have the cash to get what you want . . that was the message I needed to here - especially with a new house, a baby on the way and other necessary expenditures - like an electrician to rewire the kitchen.

So today I am back in like with Joel and will be recording his show on our DVR each Sunday - to remind me how to live my best life.

Goodbye Condo . . .

The chapter is closed - we met the buyer at the settlement table - a 29 year old JAG - she is very sweet. We wished her the best of luck - signed a few papers and we were free. As usual - SS had to give me some material at closing. After walking us through the paper work and asking where we wanted the proceeds sent - before I could speak - he said enthusiastically "I have a deposit slip right here." Thank goodness I am comfortable being me - and he is used to it - because I blurted out - "Dude, What are you smoking? This money is not headed to the Joint Account - it is going into my personal account - can you say "post nuptial agreement?" Everyone laughed - and of course I know the money will be paying off the new doors we got at the house anyway - but can a sister dream she is rich for a few . . . .

kate spade says . . . .

you should write thank you notes within 3 days of receiving a gift - well i believe her - but she is not currently living my life. i want to say that i don't know where my stationery is - but that is a lie. so in an attempt to live with integrity - i will admit that i am just to damn tired to write them.

i have about 6 outstanding for lovely housewarming gifts that have been arriving - as well as a few pregancy related gifts - and finally a thank you for a wonderful dinner with The Dinkman & Miss J12.

Let me digress here and say that The Dinkman & Miss J12 are the most timely thank you note writers in the universe - my hats off to both of you!

Perhaps in 2029 when Little Magic goes to college - I will be timely with thank you notes again.

Busted, Moated, Hexed and Perplexed

I used to say this all the time when I was a kid - anyone out there know if I made it up?

Who knows why today at the ripe old age of 41 - it all came rushing back to me as my "new" favorite saying of the day. I got issues.

Speaking of issues have you visited The Dinkman yet? If you haven't you are missing some seriously good humor. Maybe all those Jimmy Choo's and the Kate Spade blow out was my farewell to the dinkside . . .

Who knows - but for the record I have not bought crocs yet - but of course that is because size 10 crocs are just not cute!

Checking-in

Came home from The Mothership on Friday evening - have to go back today. I have an 8am meeting tomorrow - and there are no planes or trains that promise to get me there on time for that - so I am leaving again tonight. I will be back on Wednesday - this is such a wacky month. I always have visions of August being so very mellow - but for the past couple of years it has been travel hell.

I remain tired - which is a good thing - because I am forcing myself to go to bed early and sleep late. But overall I am feeling good.

SS is working like a dog - we are moving our possessions out of the condo and over to the house - so each weekend day is about packing boxes and moving things in the car - the movers actually come a week from today - so we have alot to do this week . . . and next weekend.

Funny story to share in the next post about SS's quest for the perfect stroller - he is killing me - I can still see my feet - who is thinking about a stroller!!

Too Pooped To Party . .

Pregnancy = Exhaustion. It is all I can do to get out of the bed at 8:00 am - get to work by 9:30 a.m. Then after dreaming of my bed all day - I get home, eat dinner and then get back in bed by 10:00 p.m. I am sleeping like a log - so I have no complaints there - but I can't believe the lack of energy. This at 9 weeks - what I am going to feel like at 38 weeks . . .

I am headed to The Mothership tomorrow for the week - so there will be no blogging this week until Saturday the 18th. This may be a good thing - since I am too tired to be my normal witty, charming and gorgeous self!

Let me offer a shout out to JMiller819 - he is celebrating his 29th birthday again today!

Peace.

Miss K

I'm Back . . .

Back from Showcase 2007 - also known as the Creative Memories Annual Convention.

Betcha didn't know I own my own business - how else do you think a girl can afford granite counter tops and jimmy choo shoes . . . when she has a husband, a ginormous mortgage and a baby on the way!

Check out the link - I also have my own website - so drop me a line if you are interested in checking out the best in celebrating your memories - and I will send you the link.

You know that SS wouldn't allow me to link it to the blog - what if Big Brother found it and The Divine Miss K was outed . .

The coolest thing is that I am starting my own custom framing business - with little magic arriving in less than 32 weeks - I will have lots to frame.

More later - off to the j-o-b.

I'm Back . . .

Back from Showcase 2007 - also known as the Creative Memories Annual Convention. Betcha didn't know I own my own business - how else do you think a girl can afford granite counter tops and jimmy choo shoes . . . when she has a husband, a ginormous mortgage and a baby on the way! Check out the link - I also have my own website - so drop me a line if you are interested in checking out the best in celebrating your memories - and I will send you the link. You know that SS wouldn't allow me to link it to the blog - what if Big Brother found it and The Divine Miss K was outed . .

More later - off to the j-o-b.

Where to start . .

I got so much blogging material today - SS was like a walkin' talkin' material index.

First, he was up all night with excitement - praying that the buyer does not back out on our ratified contract. We got a pretty small good faith deposit - so we won't be rich if she changes her mind. But why the h-ll would she change her mind. She is getting a phat pad - that is hooked for a bachelorette and for $25,000 less than the original listing price. Have I mentioned that the condo market is COLD here in the Nation's Capitol!

On a positive yet scary note, we "graduated" today from the Mercedes Dealership of Reproductive Medicine and have been released to a regular old OB. We saw Little Magic's heartbeat again - it was 154 bpm.

I am resisting the urge to link to a 7 week embryo at Baby Center - so you can see what we saw. But if you are curious - check it out - it is kinda cool.

The final SS material of the day - he was late getting home from the office - I was less than pleased as I give "needy" and moody new meaning these days.

So after I give him the lukewarm shoulder for a moment - he goes upstairs and comes back and starts to rub my shoulders.

Then as he starts to slip his hands into my shirt - I think to myself - Mr. Romantic . . .trying to make it up to me.

But NO!!!

He is slipping the progesterone in oil in my bra - so I can warm it up for 10 minutes before my nightly shot.

This is what our sex life consists of these days - SS slipping vials of meds into my bra . . . that is foreplay - the shot in the butt . . . is the act - and the cuddling is him rubbing my big ole butt so I won't get a knot post shot!!!

Perhaps this is TMI - but I am just keepin' it real.

The Food Police

He is killing me! When I started dating SS (secret squirrel) - his 3 food groups were chips, soda and apple crisp. He was on a first name basis with the wait staff at every rib and fry joint in the greater metropolitan area. Flash forward to this evening - when he told me he was making hamburgers on the grill and baked potatoes for dinner and I asked for baked beans as well. He stopped in his tracks and said "Two starches . . . are you sure?" People - I almost snorted water through my nose. I explained that beans are protein - although there is some sugar in the baked beans . . so he agreed that we could have them.

Why you may ask is he now the food police? Two words - gestational diabetes. He is just trying to make sure that I am eating healthy - so we avoid any health complications. Yes - this is adorable and supportive - but it is cracking me up . . .

Pre-pregnancy he was the alcohol police - now he is the food and alcohol police . . can't wait till he becomes the maternity fashion police.

The Buzz

In the land of material wants - today was a good day. Secret Squirrel's dream has come true - DirectTV in 3 rooms and his 40 inch HD TV is here and up and running. Just for good measure - I also ordered him his "Heavenly Bed" and that is being delivered today between 5-9 p.m. So tonight - we will spend our first night in the "new" house - on a real bed - instead of the Aerobed - which is fine for me - but causes him much grief.

The dogs got into a knock down drag out fight today and the ruler of the roost managed to sink his teeth into secret squirrel's leg - I tried to explain the concept of darwinsim to everyone - but they didn't listen. Ruler of the Roost will die trying to kill his rival - he just keeps forgetting that he weighs 9 pounds and she weighs 40 pounds. This is insane - but I am not stressed about it - it is not my problem. Part of my lay back and float estilo.

A new experience today - I had the "What to Expect When You Are Expecting" book on the floor - and when the TV installation team arrived - one of the guys said "When is your baby due?" You could have knocked me over with a feather - that was the first time a stranger asked the question . . . . it was kinda cool.

I didn't get a nap today - so I better go rest while I wait for the Heavenly Bed!

Poor Secret Squirrel

The man needs a shout out or at least a gold star for spending his waking hours catering to his pregnant wife. Yes - while it is technically "his job" - he is exceeding expectations - which in corporate speak means a bigger bonus.

I have quasi morning sickness - that can last into the afternoon/evening. It is not ridiculous - but it makes eating a little hard - since I seem to only like pepperoni pizza and salad. I am also ravenous every few hours - so twice today - we had to stop in the middle of errands - to get me lunch and then dinner. No worries - not eating for 2 - but just making sure to get plenty of protein and fruit - to give "little magic" the opportunity to be a rocket scientist or win American Idol.

I have decided to call the baby "little magic" - secret squirrel is cringing - he thought Baby D sounded a little less ghetto fabulous. I just keep thinking about the movie Coming to America - where there is a scene that someone says "Dance Little Magic - Dance"

I am sure this will all change in the coming months - but it is cracking me up now.

We saw the heartbeat on Friday - it was awesome.

Blogging While Pregnant

I am resisting the urge to report on every little twitch or any other bodily change that has me in hysterics - blubbering to my Mommy or sobbing to Secret Squirrel (new name for DH). Suffice to say the hormones are kicking and I am fully embracing my hormonal rollercoaster ride . . . Is there a T-shirt that says "Be Nice to me - I am newly pregnant and while you don't know it I do - so if you are mean - I will cry?" Maybe not.

Here is a new website to check out - Hot Ghetto Mess - I read about it in The Washington Post on Sunday and had to share. I swear that some of you have sent me pictures from this before . . this comes under the category - Sad But True.

My latest internal debate is what to do about coloring my hair? I got WAY highlighted in early June - so I am about to look a little crazy with dark roots and golden ends. I know that debalicious (shout out to my bv posse) can give me some tips on this - I will wait to hear from you. I would also see what the authoress of a very lovely blog has to say - but she is busy chillin with her gang in wine country.

So here I sit - waiting for my peeps to give me feedback on hair color - which by the way - secret squirrel thinks is courtesy of the sun. gotta love him

Just Tired

238 more days of being tired - I can dig it. I swear I need a nap everyday after work and since I am on the wagon and eating healthy - I think I am actually losing weight. I am still eating the additional protein and drinking tons of water . . . and dreaming of leather maternity pants to wear with my mink coat!

Here's a new one from my travels . . .

As promised - I am searching the internet long and far for free kitsch . . . this one is funny - but not as cute as the Lilly Pie ticker.

St. Patrick's Day

God willing and the crick don't rise - according to the "due date wheel" Baby D's arrival date is March 17, 2008. Notice that I said "Baby D" and not "The Babies D". We had our first ultrasound this afternoon and it showed one healthy pregnancy sac. According to the doctor - it is too early to see a heartbeat - so we are going back next Friday.

I must admit that I was quite relieved to see the sac - I had been experiencing a little paranoia - that I was having a tubal pregnancy or that this was all a lab mix-up.

I am officially BANNED from internet research - other than baby furnishings, maternity clothes or Baby Center. I am now officially in the "lay back and float" stage of my pregnancy.

I think I will go take another nap . . . .

peace . . .

Happy Trails To Me . . .

Not!

I am headed to The Mothership (Corporate HQ) tomorrow for a Department Meeting that lasts until Friday.

I will actually return home on Thursday - as I have another meeting here that I cannot miss.

I am not looking forward to this trip - because it means that a random nurse at employee health services is going to be giving me that big ole booty shot for 3 days and then I have to find someone else to give it to me on Thursday - because DH is going to be on business travel.

Yes - lots of women give the shots to themselves when their husbands travel or when they are on the road - but that is not me! I can do a SubQ shot (one in the tummy) but the booty shot with that ginormous needle is a total no go.

I also have a trip the first week in August where I have to do these shots - that one is not at The Mothership - so I have to figure out if I can hire a nurse or find a walk-in clinic where I can take my prescription and my stash.

Although - since this is hardly a narcotic that I am injecting - who would do this sh-t for sport?

So - The Divine Miss K will be on hiatus for " all intensive purposes" until Thursday - so you have to get your jollies elsewhere - or call me on the celly-cell.

Just Sharing . .

I sent this to a few people a few weeks ago - but decided to share it with the rest of the gang tonight.

According to ObamaMama - I should save this picture for when my teenage daughter(s) tell me that they hate me . . .

This is what DH chases me around the kitchen with nightly - as you all know how much I love needles.

That is a 2 inch needle . . .and yes it is the size of a bobby pin.

But DH says I am a warrior and I appreciate that . .

Kitchsy

So we all know that I totally got into the whole wedding thing - so of course I will find every kitchsy thing pregnancy related and try it out.

But unlike The Event of the Season - my kitchsiness this time will be of the budget variety. Kids cost money - so I need to save the cash to buy them flawless clothes . . or uh i mean send them to college.

Allow me to introduce the latest in my quest for kitchsy . . the "Expecting A Baby Ticker". This bad boy calculates your pregnancy by the day. It is FREE and you can adjust it as necessary. You can even add text if you choose - I decided not to at this juncture - I want to wait until we hear a heartbeat and get a real due date estimate from the doctor. So this is just a sample with my back of the envelope guess of when "we" are due.



You can check this out as well as a bunch of other tickers at Lilypie.com.

Yes - you can start worrying about me now.

Today Was A Good Day

My initial plan was to use the lyrics to the Ice Cube song -Today Was A Good Day" to express my feelings - then I got online and looked the lyrics up. Let's just say that since I am not trying to objectify women and/or celebrate the N-word - I will decline to use those particular lyrics.

So I will just keep it simple. We had a BFP today - A BIG FAT POSITIVE - pregnancy test. This is so great - now we haven't passed all the other early pregnancy hurdles - but we had a solid beta HCG test which is the first milestone in the first trimester journey.

Two more blood draws next week - followed by an ultrasound to check for the "pregnancy sac" and then an ultrasound at 7 weeks to listen to the heartbeat.

What a glorious day - thank you all for your positive vibes - please keep us in your continued prayers. We both feel very blessed and your support is incredible!

Nothing Pithy Today - Just The Facts

Closing in on the infamous "Beta" - will know by COB on Thursday whether I am 4 weeks pregnant or not.

Assuming we get a BFP (big fat positive) on Thursday - then I am on a new roller coaster for about a month - with additional blood tests and ultrasounds to make sure pregnancy is viable.

What can I say - this has been an awesome experience. I have done things that I never thought I was capable of - 2 inch needles nightly in my butt, blood draws with incredible regularity and taking such a huge gamble - when I am so very risk adverse.

But here is the best part - the love and support I have gotten from many of you. The daily calls from MD24, the presents sent to help me pass the time in the 2ww, the calls from friends across the country - it has been wonderful.

When DH and I started down the infertility yellow brick road - we were in the "no tell" camp. But I quickly moved it into the blogosphere - thinking that it was my place to share - but I have realized it is also a way to get the kind of support I referenced above. Even if you don't think you need it - you do.

I am cautiously optimistic about a BFP on Thursday - but you all know I have my contingency plan in place - though I may skip the 3 bottles of champagne. I think I like myself better without a lot of alcohol in my system - more energy and a clearer head! I will save the champagne for a celebration . . .

Contingency Planning

Most of you know that DH and I are strong believers in couples counseling. Or at least I am and he willing went along and now he loves it! At any rate, one of tools we have learned in counseling that is central to our marriage is the art of contigency planning. I don't know if everyone needs to do - but I am a freak about it. Despite my attemps to let go - I have found that if I have a plan - I am better able to face potentially negative situations - because I have a back up plan. I am sure this has lots to do with my control issues - but be that as it may - it is what I do.

So with that introduction - allow me to lay out the contingency plan that I have drafted and DH agrees to in principle.

BACKGROUND

Next week is the pregnancy test - also known in infertility speak as 'the beta'. It is a simple blood test and when the results come back - you will know whether or not you are pregnant. If you are - then you have a series of tests over the next week to make sure that your beta continues to rise. If is doesn't - then it is likely you have what is known as a chemical pregnancy. For "normal" women - you would probably never even know that you are pregnant - for those of us who are "fertility challenged" - we will know every minute detail.

CONTINGENCY PLAN

Negative Beta:

1. Call Moonlight Kennels order Yorkie Puppy - who will be named Henry.

2. Go to 7-11 and get a Super Double Big Gulp Of Diet Pepsi for immediate consumption.

3. Get 3 bottles of Veuve Cliquot to drown my sorrows over the 3 days that I am in mourning.

4. Contact Gladney Center for Adoption to begin process for International Adoptions.

5. Continue to fantasize about life next Spring when we have our baby/babies at home.

6. Lose the post-wedding/infertility fat - so that when I am pushing my gorgeous baby down the block and people tell me I look like a Supermodel - I will smile.



Positive Beta:

1. Call Moonlight Kennels order Yorkie Puppy - who will be named Henry.

2. Drink 96 ounces of water and pat self on back for having done that for two weeks.

3. Continue nightly intramuscular shots with 2 inch needle in the a** for another 6-8 weeks.

4. Continue not to lift anything over 10 pounds until further notice.

5. Continue to fantasize about life next Spring when we have our baby/babies at home.


So there you have it - contigency planning in a nutshell!

From Vegas to Chicago via a Hummer . .

Thinking today about my posse - a group of incredible women - who have been on my side for more years than we like to think about. Each of us is very different - by loyalty and unconditional love are the cornerstones of our relationships. When I saw the quote below - it made me think of each of them - so who read the blog and some who don't. But at the end of the day - these women have stood by me, some for over 20 years - and not judged.

I found this quote on a another cool woman's blog - unfortunately - I have not figured out yet how to hyperlink between blogs AND I can't remember which blog I found it on . . . but at any rate here it is . . .

"But Oh! The blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearless on any subject, with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely. Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away."

Dinah Maria Mulock Craik, "A Life for a Life", 1866

Bringing S*xy Back

I have spent the past 6 days surfing the internet and checking out other people's blogs. Well - it is time for me to "P*mp My Bl*g". It will be a lengthy project - but I am going to learn how to post video and more pictures . . .

Stay Tuned!

Harry & Winston

Perhaps it is cabin fever or perhaps I have just lost my mind. I have been talking about adding another yorkie to the family - I have even located the breeder and kennel. Last night - I was thinking I should get 2 new yorkies and call them Harry & Winston. Have I lost my mind? I think so.

On an unrelated note - I think I am now officially caught up on sleep. I have been going to bed around midnight and waking up refreshed at 7:30 every morning. I have not had any caffeine either - so that is another plus. No caffeine, no alcohol . . . I don't know how my body is functioning. It must be the sugar - that is still on the DH sanctioned list of food stuff.

This is a gentle reminder to all you women who wish you had a wonderful DH like mine - there are definitely some "interesting" control issues in our relationship. He gives me no grief about what I eat, drink or say - unless we are trying to have a baby. Once that happens - he gives new meaning to the idea of the food and beverage police. Last month my cousin got married - he would not let me go to the bar to get my own diet coke - I think he thought I was going to ask for a shot of rum. Then when I did go to the bar alone - I felt 2 sets of eyes piercing into my back - it was him and MommyDearest24.

Welcome to my life . .

On The Wagon

As of today - alcohol has not graced my lips in a month. Other than when I did the South Beach diet and had to abstain for 2 weeks - I think this may be one of the longest periods of total alcohol free living since I was 30 years old.

I know that if I am pregnant - it will be a lot longer than 30 days - but it is so interesting to me that social drinking is such an integral part of my existence. In the past month - I have had more inquiries from people (even strangers at business dinners) about why I am refusing wine or champagne. At a dinner 2 weeks ago - even the banquet server was incredulous when I asked for iced tea instead of wine. She said "are you sure? not even just a little?"

The funniest part of all of this is that DH is not a big drinker - so he loves that I am on the wagon. For him, this means if he wants to have a strawberry daquiri or a pina colada with his dinner - I will drive home.

Me on the other hand - I am reading Food and Wine and dreaming of pasta and chianti. Or thinking about a nice bottle of Kim Crawford Sauvignon Blanc.

I tried Fre - the non-alcoholic wine by Sutter Home. I won't make that mistake again - I still have nightmares thinking about it.

Update

Greetings,

Embryo transfer completed - now on modified couch/bedrest watching tv and reading my favorite blogs.

I have started the infamous 2ww (two week wait) and am happy to report that I have no desire to POAS (pee on a stick). I will wait until the blood test that the clinic schedules for me in mid-July.

I have nothing pithy to say about any of this - we all know that I never imagined going down this road -and now that I started down the road and am totally results oriented -I want a positive outcome.

On another note - let me send birthday shout-outs to Elk Grove, CA and Sharon, MA.

Ruler of The Roost

If you look to the left - you will see the picture of the ruler of the roost. DH & I call him that jokingly - but today he reminded me why he is my #1 yorkie man.

When I got in the shower earlier today - he left his rawhide in the living room and came to stand guard while I was in the shower. It is the cutest thing ever- this little 9 pound yorkie - laying on the bathroom rug - facing the door to protect me against intruders.

He does the same thing when I am sleeping - he lays at the foot of the bed - facing the open door - to protect against intruders.

I know he could be distracted with cheese or a raw hide - but it is the thought that counts!

The 411 on the next week

Here is a blow-by-blow of the next week for us . . the games begin tomorrow with retrieval and then the eggs will spend a few days bonding with DH's sperm and sometime next week we go to transfer.

There are numerous stages to every IVF treatment cycle, each of which must be reached and completed before moving on to the next stage:

• more than one should egg develop - completed
  

• eggs should mature - completed
  

• ovulation should not occur before the eggs can be collected - completed
  

• eggs must be retrieved during the "pick-up" - 6/24/07
  

• sperm must fertilize at least one egg - completed
  

• fertilized eggs must divide and grow healthily - completed
  

• embryos might get implanted in the uterus - in progress
  

How is embryo transfer performed ?

Embryo Transfer
Embryo transfer is most often done on an outpatient basis. No anesthesia is used, although some women may wish to have a mild sedative. The patient lies on a table or bed, usually with her feet in stirrups.. Using a vaginal speculum, the doctor exposes the cervix. One or more embryos suspended in a drop of culture medium are drawn into a transfer catheter, a long, thin sterile tube with a syringe on one end. Gently, the doctor guides the tip of the loaded catheter through the cervix and deposits the fluid containing the embryos into the uterine cavity. The procedure should be done with great care and usually takes between 10 and 20 minutes. Some doctors perform the transfer under ultrasound guidance, to ensure proper placement of the embryos in the uterine cavity.

Most clinics today transfer 2-3 good quality embryos on Day 2 or Day 3. Embryos are graded according to their appearance and rate of cell-division and good quality embryos are those which have 4-8 cells, of equal size, with clear cytoplasm, and with few fragments. These are called Grade A embryos. Embryos with more fragments are assigned a lower grade, and they usually have a lower chance of implanting . However, the babies which result from these embryos are completely normal, if they do implant successfully. You should ask the doctor to show you your embryos under the microscope. Some times, only embryos of poor quality are available for transfer. While the chance of getting pregnant when only poor quality embryos are transferred, you can be reassured that if a pregnancy results, the children will be normal.


What happens after the embryo transfer ?

The terrible 2ww - 2 week wait !

The embryo transfer completes the medical treatment in the IVF cycle and most clinics provide "luteal phase support" after the transfer , usually with estrogen tablets and progesterone suppositories, to increase the chances of implantation. However, this period is often the hardest part of an IVF cycle for the patient, because of the agony and suspense of waiting to find out if a pregnancy has occurred. This can be determined by a blood test , which measures the level of the hormone, HCG ( human chorionic gonadotropin) only 10 to 14 days after the transfer. For many patients, these 14 days are often the longest days of their life !

A positive beta HCG level ( of more than 10 miU/ml) means you are pregnant, and the doctor will then monitor your pregnancy to confirm it is healthy; intrauterine; and to check how many embryos have implanted.

Contented

I don't know if "contented" is a real word. I don't know because I don't use it often as it is a state of being with which I am generally not familiar.

Which brings us to why it is the title of this morning's blog. I woke up contented this morning - everything feels right in my world. If there is heaven on earth - I feel like I am in it.

I have been off the travel roller coaster for weeks, getting to spend nights at home with DH and our dogs. We just bought an AMAZING house that I love, I am confident that the condo will sell soon and I am blessed with loving friends and family.

Things are looking good in IVF land - I am responding well to my medications and I am visualizing a successful embryo transfer sometime next week.

Thank you everybody for the prayers and positive vibes - they are really working.

TGIF

I am so glad it is Friday.  I need to sleep for 48 hours - this has been a very long and exciting week.  Between IVF treatments,  home buying and the j-o-b,  yours truly is exhausted. 

I have lunch with my boss today and a couple of phone calls this morning and then I am free. 

Today the exterminator comes to the new house - and thus ends the locksmith, cleaning crew and exterminator trilogy. Tomorrow we have California Closets and the Myer-Emco man coming and then we are free of intruders for awhile.

I ordered a new window, a storm door and the front gutter for the roof on Wednesday - that cost about the same things as 6 pairs of Jimmy Choos.  That is my new unit of measurement  . . 

When I picked up the certified check for closing - I told the teller that I need a check which could buy 84 pairs of Jimmy Choos. Unfortunately - the humor was lost on him.  But I chuckled. Cracking myself up is my new favorite pastime.

Please send "sell the condo vibes" out into the universe - DH is getting worried and I am trying hard not to get caught in his energy.  I would like a ratified contract sometime in the next couple of weeks - mainly because I HATE TO MAKE THE BED and since I am the last one in it most days - I have to do it  . . . 

Finally - we are getting closer to retrieval in IVF land - so please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers.  While I would be very happy for a healthy singleton - If I could choose - I would like healthy twins . . . after all - since I have determined that 3 children is the magic number - I need a set of multiples to make it happen sooner rather than later.

Miss K.

First House

We did it! DH and I closed on the house today - we are officially homeowners  - with a 5,000 square foot backyard and a mortgage to prove it!  We are both exhausted and laying bed. I am blogging and Mr. Man is reviewing the surveyor's plot drawing - so he can plan his next project - the landscaping.  We are so happy and appreciative of all the good wishes shared by everyone.

Please believe me . .

they call it a "ultrasound probe" - I call it a "fake p*nis".

I am just saying - the probe looks like a narrow vibrator with a baggy c*ndom on it and without fail - every time we go to the doctor's office and I see it - waiting there for me - I make some off color comment about the tool and DH turns red with shame, the male doctor looks mortified and the nurse guffaws.  

My theory is that if I am going to be in the stirrups with God and Country observing and smiling like this is a normal event - in some dimly lit tiny exam room - then I am absolutely going to perform!  Who am I kidding? A captive audience and a fake p*nis . . . make my day.

I am feeling pretty good today - doctor's appointment went well - and we remain on track for retrieval and transfer at the end of the month.

The pressure is now on DH and his super swimmers to get ready for show time on June 25th. We may have to travel to some location out of state for "good" magazines - as he swears that the selection in the lab at the clinic is laughable.

I can hear MommyDearest24 gasping out loud and wondering what happened to her daughter - just remember I promised to put my life on blast and here it is!

Talking in My Sleep

DH tells me I was waxing philosophical in my sleep on Friday night about infertility. As always - this was in my normal speaking voice - just at 3 a.m. Of course,  I was conversing with myself and some unknown person.  DH only gets to hear my side of the conversation - so we never really know the full context. I think he should get a tape recorder - because he can't remember what I said - but he definitely knows the topic was infertility.  I wish I was surprised - but I am not.  Clearly - my subconscious is working overtime.

Being in the middle of an IVF cycle is one of the most emotionally draining things I have ever done.  Knowing the last cycle was cancelled and how traumatic that was for us - I feel like everyday I am waiting to have the carpet pulled out from under me.  Even though I am trying to stay positive - I am scared as h*ll.  We will do the egg retrieval, fertilization and g*d willing and the crick don't rise - embryo transfer the last week of June.  

I am so checking in to a hotel for 5 days for  strict "bed rest" and DH can come over nightly to give me the amazing progesterone in oil shot in the a** - that is supposed to aid in implantation.

Some days - I feel like the Hyundai  Dealership of Infertility Clinics committed minor malpractice.  As I have gotten more educated about the different protocols RE's use - I can't believe that I underwent 3 IUI's with Clomid and was never prescribed progesterone suppositories or told to relax for 24-48 hours after the insemination.  I know - what's done is done - and I agree it may have been too soon for us to get PG - but still.

I continue to hope for the best and am really believing that a little red wine would help take the edge off - but DH is standing his "no wine" ground.  So I will keep drinking club soda and crystal light and plan to have a drink sometime in 2008 or 2009 - after the shop is closed.

Untitled

On Wednesday - my friend L.M.M. lost her mother.

People keep asking if it was unexpected - I don't know how to answer. Yes Mrs. B. was ill - but do you ever expect to lose your Mom? Or do you just realize that it is inevitable? My grandma is 88 - I know that she will not be here forever - but I don't expect to lose her . .

Part of what makes this so hard - is the realization that we are not kids anymore - we have kids now. So at our age - our parents are aging and death is a natural progression. But it feels wrong.

I only met Mrs. B. twice - but I have known her daughter for almost 8 years.

And from the first day we met - L.M.M. has been my girl.

When I wanted to get even with a hussy who was spending time with my then lying, cheating and now ex-boyfriend - she offered to put her newborn and toddler in the mini-van and drive me out to east hell maryland to tear some sh-t up and when I came to my senses 20 minutes later - and said never mind - she just smiled and said okay.

We have cried over AMEX bills that were more than our take home pay.

We have spent hours talking about everything and nothing in particular.

She has given me some sage advice that she got from her Mom . . my favorite being " Don't let yourself go after marriage - because your husband might lose his mind - and if you have to leave his ass - no other man wants a dumpy woman with 2 kids that are not his." I have decided this only applies if you were not dumpy to begin with . . . but I love it nevertheless.

I wonder what stories my kids will tell about me someday -I hope that I give them enough material so that there friends are quoting The Divine Miss K on the regular.

I am off to bed - because in the words of MommyDearest24 "Nothing Good Happens After 11:00 pm".

Ten Thoughts That I Need to Get In Writing

1. Estrogen shots in the a-- at 10 pm at night give me a raging headache the next morning. For this I might as well be hung over - that lovely "mack truck ran over my head" feeling is here again today.

2. I am going to be really sad if this IVF cycle does not work - so I am contemplating sending a preliminary application to the adoption agency - so we can run parallel tracks. DH gave his blessing to this the other day.

3. If I am not pregnant at the time we move into our new house - I am getting another yorkie puppy - so I will have someone to mother while I wait for my Ethiopian Twins to come home. I already have my kennel picked out . . DH is a little sketchy on this one.

4. We are going to go ahead and invest in 2 new TV's when we move - one for the kitchen and a big one for the family room. I was the hold up on that and finally realized that since we will be spending more time at home eating air sandwiches - we might as well have more than one TV - because renting movies is cheaper than going out.

5. Why is everybody pregnant? Or am I just noticing it more?

6. Had an awesome lunch yesterday with realandspectacular. It is funny how you meet people and think they must be your twin sister who your mom gave away to be raised by others. I want to give a realandspectacular a shout out here - as she is an awesome woman and I feel blessed to have her as a girlfriend.

7. I wonder if I could have gotten pregnant with no drama at 25? But then I would have been an unwed mother or been in a bad marriage that would have made me a single mom with kids - so banish the thought.

8. For those of you who have been around for at least a decade - I was driving down the street yesterday and saw the british hairdresser outside the salon where he works. I have not laid eyes on him since March 1998 - he looks the same. My heart did not skip a beat. Instead I laughed.

9. We had dinner last night with J.A.L and her parents. We are buying her house next week and then she is moving to Florida. Her parents are in town - so the 5 of us went to dinner. It is bittersweet that she is leaving - in the past month we have really developed a friendship and I am going to miss her. Her dad says when he closes his eyes - he can't tell which of us is talking.

10. I have a lot going on right now - buying a house, trying to sell the condo, in the middle of an IVF cycle, stressful job, trying to keep a sunny disposition, on the wagon, etc. . . and realizing that I am really an adult and this is my life.

Okay people - not my usual style - but I wanted to get all those things out and need to start my day.

My Public

I had a conversation with Obamamama today and asked if she had been reading my blog. She pointed out that I had stopped posting with regularity - so she was only checking it once a week. That got me thinking and it is true - my favorite bloggers post daily - and I am disappointed when they have not posted for a few days. And since popular opinion knows that the world revolves around The Divine Miss K - I feel like my public is clamoring for me . . . and I am humbled. Citizens of the World - I am back. I commit to a return to the daily postings - of the good, the bad and the scary as h-ll.

When it rains, it pours.

There is so much going on in my life right now - that I don't even know where to start. My mom was in town over the weekend - we had a great time - there was a family wedding on Saturday morning and then we just hung out the rest of the weekend. She left on Monday morning.

We close on the new house next Tuesday afternoon - I am excited and nervous at the same time. I need to keep reminding myself that after I bought the condo - I did not really get furniture and do any renovations for almost 3 years . . . I had to get used to what was then a "gigantic" mortgage. Now this mortgage is like a bee sting - compared to where we are headed.

No news on the condo selling front - we have had 2 open houses and not a serious nibble yet. The market is just horrible and since we are not having a fire sale - this is going to take awhile. We can handle both mortgages if we need to - but that will not be fun. But looking at the bright side - if I get mad at DH and the dogs - I can escape to my piedeterre in the country . . . so I will be leaving the phone and cable on for a bit.

Our realtor asked us not to move any of the furniture out of the living room, office, master bedroom or dining room - because the place shows so well as is - I am all for it. This way we can move the contents of the storage units and do all the painting, cleaning, exterminating and rewiring without worrying about how to arrange the furniture.

All this is happening while we are on the IVF merry-go-round. I am nervous in a good way and am keeping my fingers crossed that this works - so as I read in another of my favorite blogs - this would be a good time to ask you all to get on your knees and say a little prayer for us.

Mr. Wonderful

It is really hard to be superwoman - but we all try to do it. It is funny how it becomes so ingrained - that we don't even know we are doing it. Today I was reminded that I don't have to be superwoman - and that when it gets so bad that I can't see it - Mr. Wonderful comes to the rescue.

We started round 2 of IVF hell this weekend - it is actually not so bad - in that we are only doing the lupron portion right now - so those are baby needles. But as you all know - I make a pact with the devil during these times and stop drinking alcohol completely - so my nightly wine and/or martini is not an option - even if I beg. But I digress . . .

We had an appointment for baseline bloodwork and an ultrasound this morning at 7:30 am - which means leaving home at 6:45 am. So I feel sleep deprived and am already exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster of infertility - but I am in it to win it.

I am not in the mood to type all the details - but let's just say the Mercedes Dealership of Infertility Clinics - functioned like a used car lot in a bad neighborhood this morning. It was absolutely appalling. And here is where my DH - known today as Mr. Wonderful - let me know that I don't have to be superwoman.

After witnessing my tears of frustration - even though I assured him I would be fine and would give a call to someone at the clinic to see what could be done - he decided that no one was going to bring me to tears over their incompetence and without even telling me - he called the office and let them know that he expected this to be handled by the end of the day and he wanted a call back to know it was done.

Meanwhile - I had called the same person and left a voicemail - simply asking for a return call.

Flash forward two hours - the clinic staff person - calls me back - and says when she listened to her messages and heard my DH on the machine - she knew something was not right - as she and I talk weekly and they have only met once. She said he was incredibly professional about the whole thing - but made it crystal clear - that "no one would bring his wife to tears and that he wanted it fixed . . end of story."

I know this is a lengthy post - but my heart is bursting with love for my husband tonight. I cannot tell you how much it means to feel taken care of - supported and protected.

I will go to bed tonight with a smile - knowing that today I did not have to be superwoman . . . because superman took care of me and and all my needs.

Orange Kool-Aid

My dear husband is embracing his new life as a homeowner. How do I know this? Well today at the grocery store - instead of buying his $3.99 designer lemonade - he chose orange Kool-Aid. He says that Kool-Aid is cheaper and lasts longer. Now he just needs to consult with his Dad for the "ancient" family secret - as he says no one can make it as good as his Dad.

Me - I am buying boxed wine - that is my contribution to poverty. And that is only until June 2nd - when I go on the wagon indefinitely . . . yes it is true. My remaining guilty pleasure - cocktails - are off on the table at midnight June 1st. Think of me and drink on.

Clutter is not your friend . .

I have spent the better part of the last 6 days decluttering our house. Either I threw it away, packed it away or gave it away. Here is what I can tell you - no one needs more than one pair of flip-flops. Two pairs of shorts is plenty. Just because you can buy a jumbo pack of purse size kleenex - don't do it. Buy a pack at a time - that way 2 years later you won't find 10 packs buried under the 4 boxes of purse size neosporin that you could not find when you cut your finger.

We are a society and I am a person - consumed by the fear of not having "it" when I need "it." Newsflash - when I need "it" - I am usually not at home - so I buy another one.

We also figured out that we have enough soap to bathe 14 families and still have enough left for 10 more. So there will be no more soap buying in this family - until we use all the hotel soap, birthday soap and vacation soap we have on hand.

If I had any sense - we would just take it all to the Goodwill and refuse to buy anything for a year - I bet we would be happier.

I am now burning candles that we have had for at least 3 years - it feels good.

Please remind me about this in 6 months when I am crying because we can't get my "fantasy porch furniture" from some ridiculously priced store.

The Royal "We"

Sometimes I miss being "I". Don't get me wrong - marriage is awesome - but just like there is no "I" in team - despite there being an "I" in marriage - we have to act like there is a "we". No more what I want for dinner or what I want to do tonight or what I want to do this weekend - instead it is the "royal we".

Today I was told that I cannot post pictures of the new house on the blog - or at least I was informed that "we" had security concerns about photos on the blog.

I am seriously contemplating starting a super anonymous blog - where I can post pictures and name names . . .

Do you think I should worry about my confirmation hearings? I have stopped jonesing for my $300 eyelashes - I am now thinking porch furniture - so that "I" can separate from "we" and read.

how u like me now?

The Eyelashes

So I have been obsessing about the $300.00 eyelashes and the $75 needed every three weeks to maintain them. I woke up this morning with the realization that this is not about eyelashes. It is another one of my "failure to deal with the truth" moments. So I am going to attempt to deal with the truth now.

I AM SCARED OF BEING UNABLE TO BUY ALL THE STUFF I WANT WHEN I WANT IT!!! When I was a kid - my Dad's favorite question if I asked for something was the following "Is it a want or a need?" Dad - I know you are nodding your head as you read this entry.

Anyway - I think that for the past 4 years - since I joined the Corporate world - I have stopped asking that question to myself and have indulged in "the pleasure principle". It feels like I am about to lose a friend . . flipping back to asking the "is it a want or a need" question to determine how to spend our family resources.

I get that buying a house is a good thing, that the tax implications are favorable, that I will have a porch and a yard - and that for our family this is the right thing to do.

But I am scared about limiting trips to the nail salon, rarely dining out and curtailing my consumerism. I am scared that we can't get the deck furniture we want when we want it - that there will not be money for a trip to Jamaica for our 2nd anniversary in October . . . the list could go on.

I think Obamamama called it right when she opined that I bought up half of Chicago a couple of weeks ago - as if I new the end of my spending was near. I can honestly say I will not need another purse, another watch or a pair of shoes for a very long time. And if I start eating right and exercising - I won't need clothes or coats either . . .

Finally - I need to let go of the desire for the $300.00 eyelashes and if I find myself with extra cash - start to rebuild our emergency savings - since with home ownership comes even more unplanned expenses.

Marriage

Fundamentally marriage is about sharing. Sharing your heart, your body, your mind, your "stuff" and your money - not in any particular order. I am sure those of you who have been married for awhile are saying " yes grasshopper - it is true". Just be happy I figured it out almost 2 years into the deal - otherwise we would have needed an intervention.

What you may ask brought me to this profound and obvious conclusion - of course I will tell you - so here goes.

1. The Camera - I bought a new polaroid camera a couple of weeks ago- because I got the brilliant idea that I need to photograph all my shoes - so that before I buy a new pair of summer shoes in the dead of winter - I can look at my inventory and make sure I don't already have a similar pair. (No snides comments about my inventory please). So this is MY camera - I bought it - not DH. Then yesterday - I look up and he has MY camera and is taking pictures of the chipped enamel on the stove and I say in my normal loving voice "Why are you touching MY camera?" And he smiles and says "Because we are married". So then it hit me - as long as he did not go into my purse . . which he never does - I guess what is mine is his - so we share . . .


2. The Dresser - When we move into our new house - we will be sharing a dresser. I have never shared a dresser with anyone - and when we got married - I had California Closets come in and build drawers for him in his closet in the spare room. So it hit me last night - that when we move - the closets are too small to have CA Closets build drawers for him into a closet - so we are going to have to share a dresser. Three drawers for me and 3 drawers for him . . . good thing I am reducing clutter this weekend . . . I currently use all 6 drawers - but I will share


3. The Money - no need for explanation - it is obvious. He has the schnauzer and I have Jimmy Choos and all of Kate Spade's Spring/Summer Inventory.


One more thing - I am still trying to figure out how to get those eyelashes I mentioned yesterday. I just sent off a bunch of insurance reimbursements and am going to return some things to The Container Store. I am also wondering if I should return a pari of shoes I bought from Nordstrom last year and never wore . . . that is the first $300. Then if I ramp up my Creative Memories business - I could make the $75.00 for the monthly maintenance . . .

Thoughts?

Where did she go? and more

There are moments in your life when you realize that "you are not the woman you once were" this morning is one of those moments.

If this were 1988 and I were still 22 - I would have been up at 6:00 am - packed a room or two - gone to the cleaners, the grocery store and Target - and been home by 11:00 a.m.

Flash forward 20 years - even though DH & the animals are gone to stay with the MIL this weekend (because FIL is out of town) - I am moving like molasses in winter! Where is the energy of days gone by? I need to get my a-- up off the couch and start decluttering today . . .feel free to call and check progress if you read this post - maybe it will motivate me.

On another note - I had dinner with the seller last night - girl's night out - it was fun. But I had my first "we are going to be poor now" crisis. Why? Because she has the most gorgeous eyelashes I have ever seen - and when I complimented her - she took me into her "cone of silence" and told me they are fake! She whipped out her blackberry and gave me the number of Tanya - who for $300.00 does the first application and then it is $75.00 every three weeks. I am salivating over those lashes and trying to figure out how I can justify the expense . . .

Since we are starting the new and final round of shots in early June - can they be a "poor miss k . .shots in the a-- gift?" or since I promise DH that I won't drink during IVF cycles - can I justify the lashes as all the money I am saving on wine?

Please feel free to help me rationalize the eyelashes . .

What a difference a week makes . .

The long and short of it is that DH and I put a contract on a house on Monday, we signed and ratified it yesterday and now we are about a month away from closing. It is in our dream neighborhood - we can live there for the next 20 years if we decide to renovate and we love it!

A couple weeks ago - I told DH it was either him and the schnauzer or me and the yorkie that would be getting a new pad . . . and that the the way it was looking . . he and the schnauzer might want to go apartment hunting.

The story of the house is for another day - but suffice to say we love it - and I know this is the right decision for our family.

As I said in a previous post - whether I am pregnant with IVF twins in 2 months or scheduling a homestudy for my adopted twins - I am contented by the latest turn of events.

Now I just need my Boston Posse (you two know who you are) to get down here and help me pack up the condo - to make it look "show ready". The Boston Posse has packed me a couple of times over the years and it is not the same without them . .

If I can figure out how to get pictures up here - I will do that soon.

waiting for daisy

while i know that most readers of my blog have had their children - either 41 years ago - if you are mommydearest 24 or july of 2005 if you are the author of a lovely blog. so at this point - you are either highly sympathetic to me - or just think that i am crazy.

for the record - i am not crazy - it is my DH that is on this quest for a biological child and for those of you who spend time with us - you know that he is "such a nice guy" that it is hard to say no sometimes.

but anyway - i finished a book a couple of weeks ago called "waiting for daisy" by peggy orenstein. even if you are done with kids - i recommend reading it - it speaks volume to my experience to date and i was so moved.

i am about to send it off to a friend - but wanted to memorialize the chapter that resonated for me . . here goes:

"Clomid was my gateway drug: the one you take because, "Why not - everyone's doing it." Just five tiny pills. They'll give you a boost, maybe take you where you need to go. It's true, some women can stop there. For others, Clomid becomes infertility's version of Reefer Madness. First you smoke a little grass, then you're selling your body on a street corner for crack. First you pop a little Clomid, suddenly you're taking out a second mortgage for another round of in vitro fertilization (IVF). You've become hope's bitch, willing to destroy your career, your marriage, your self-respect for another taste of its seductive high. Here are your eggs. Here are your eggs on Clomid. Get the picture?"


well, i am not the one who wanted to destroy my career, my marriage or my self-respect - but i can tell you it is a slippery slope for sure . . .

One Step Closer

So I had my appointment this morning with the new OB/GYN who did my annual exam and if we are blessed, fortunate, or just damn lucky enough to get pregnant on the next cycle - he will deliver our twins at the hospital of DH's choosing. I resisted the urge to name the hospital as DH would have given me the "security concerns" lecture that I get if I mention too many details.

I really liked him and was comfortable with the practice . .they are a little far from our house - but half-way between here and my office. And since we are moving . . . . yes - this is still a teaser - I don't have the energy to write about all that madness.

But I will admit that after the appointment - I was drawn to the Jimmy Choo store across the street - and invested in yet another pair of "car payment" shoes. They feel so good . . . . .

I am taking my AMEX out of my wallet tonight and calling my Mother to pay our mortgage tomorrow . . .

Random Musings

Is there such a thing as "addiction transfer"? Goodbye overeating and hello overspending . . .

Last week - I had not been shopping in weeks - was wearing mumu's and stretch pants from Target and hating my life.

I am not sure that I love my life more today - but I can tell you that since Sunday April 29th - I have spent enough on clothes and shoes to pay our mortgage for 2 or 3 months AND buy MommieDearest24 the purse she "requested" for Mother's Day.

Today - I took 6 pairs of shoes to the shoe repair store to get heel taps and protective soles - and 3 pairs to get refurbished - that cost $170 total. In my past life - that would have freaked me out. Not now - I just smiled - since the Chanel Ballerina Flats were $460.00 to begin with . . and I won't comment on the Kate Spade shoes . .

While in Chicago over the weekend- we visited the Kate Spade store twice - I am now on their preferred customer list for sure. On a first name basis with the staff and getting hugs goodbye on Saturday. Today I was wondering if I should quit my current job and get a job at the Kate Spade Store in Georgetown. They are looking for a sales associate - I checked the website.

Also - by coincidence - I got an email from Kate Spade Online today - I can save 10% and get free shipping if I order by noon tomorrow. I have a pair of shoes and a purse in my shopping cart - I am trying to avoid having a martini - so I will not be a victim of "drunk shopping" - which is the cousin to "drunk dialing" - which married women should ABSOLUTELY refrain from at all costs.

DH finally admitted today that the standard schnauzer is not an apartment dog and that he knew it all along - but he was hell bent on getting the dog and figured we would work it out . . I did not say I told you so - I just smiled. I think he admitted it because I finally said - I am ready to leave "my" precious condo and seek a house with a yard in the DC Metro Area - we are outgrowing this place and before we invest in more furniture to create a guest room - I think we should just move.

No time is the right time and I want this in motion before I am preggers or scheduling home visits for the adoption social worker. Am I just insane? Or am I just realizing that if I am blowing so much money on "stuff" I ought to put it in Real Estate.

Putting the condo on the market will be another post for another day . . .

Peace

Chicago . .

I am in Chicago for the weekend - I came yesterday and am leaving tomorrow early in the morning. One of my "girls" moved to Chicago in March - so her DH could pursue a job opportunity. We have had a quintessential "girl's weekend" - shopping at Tiffany's, a visit to Stuart Weitzman and of course a stop at Kate Spade. I have not purchased Kate Spade retail since 1997 - when my BFF got married in Boston and I went to Needless Mark-Up and bought a purse, wallet and checkbook cover. I remember thinking that I had broken the bank that day. Flash forward 10 years - I clearly broke the bank the past two days - and I loved every minute of it! I bought shoes, jewels and stationary . . . I needed all of it - in case you wondered.

We all have coping mechanisms - and I have reacquainted myself with "retail therapy" - I don't care what anyone tells you - quality shoes are so different than payless! Nothing like fine Italian Leather to make it feel like Christmas everyday . .

TTFN

Let's Dish and more . . .

For all of you in the blogosphere who want/feel compelled to be "Super Woman" - I need to introduce you to "Let's Dish". One of my neighbors turned me on to it last year and now I go monthly with a friend and we spend 2 hours preparing 12 meals - which we split - so each of our families gets 3 portions of a nice meal. It costs us each about $100.00 and DH can have a "real dinner" on most nights. Quality of the food is good - we often need to spice it up a bit - but check it out at www.letsdish.com.

Since I just got home from my monthly dish - I am happy as a clam. I can leave for my business trip tomorrow - knowing that when I get back - I don't need to worry about meals.

On the "and more" front - I am definitely coming out of the darkness. Spoke with Mommie Dearest this morning - who reminded me that I have to be cognizant of the hormones and stress associated with the IVF treatments. I was so happy she reminded me - I keep forgetting that since February - I have been a human guinea pig - and that all of these drugs are wreaking havoc on my system. That made me feel alot better and a little less traumatized by the past few days.

I had an incredible dream last night - in the dream - DH and I had a gorgeous baby - a little boy - with fair skin and hazel eyes. He looked just like my maternal grandfather - and I was beaming as I looked at that little baby who was so beautiful and innocent. When I woke up this morning - I was very happy - and then realized that his twin sister was not there with him - so I am going to try and conjure her up tonight.

I am "claiming" my twins in the universe - I am visualizing a successful embryo transfer and a healthy pregnancy.

Visualize with me people . . .

Back from the edge . .

So I came home today and took a 3 hour nap. Maybe I just needed sleep - I feel alot better. It could also be that I "explained" to a man in his BMW at the grocery store that he "did not need to ruin my weekend with his bad attitude" and he actually apologized. Do you think it is because I looked like a crazy woman . .when I whipped DH's car around and told him that we needed to discuss his actions? I think I was definitely "cruisin for a brusin" on that one - but I did not cry - so that is good. And he did not pull out a gun - but this is suburbia after all . . .

DH & I had couple's counseling this morning - I love this part of the week. DH and I love our counselor and he has really done an amazing job of teaching us to communicate better. I recommend it to all people out there - it is one of the most beneficial things for a modern day marriage.

I got scolded by DH today for talking in too much detail on the blog - he has "security concerns" - what if someone searches the names of our dogs, or knows the cities where I travelled and links me back to my employer and then I get fired because they read my blog? Please believe me - if they want to fire me for my hypotheticals of "zanax and champagne meals" - then have it. I can imagine a life where I have dinner waiting when he comes home at 6:17 . . .

I am ROTFLMAO now . . . .

Exhaustion

I am nothing if not exhausted. I have been on the road for almost 2 straight weeks - last week in NY and NOLA (Tuesday-Thursday) and then left for NY on Sunday and got home last night at 10:30 pm. Then my plans for a quiet week next week were shattered - by finding out that I have to go to CA for a meeting Monday-Wednesday of next week. Once again leaving my house on Sunday - this time at 6:00 a.m and returning home late Wednesday night. Can you say nervous breakdown on the horizon?

This morning is a perfect example of why I wonder sometimes if having kids will be a good thing or if I will become addicted to zanax and champagne for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I am so tired - I don't even want to take a shower - DH leaves for work at 7:15 a.m and cujo (the puppy that DH is allegedly "raising" ) starts to freak out - tries to eat/attack the most incredibly perfect yorkie in world (DH has noe forbade me to use the dogs names too!) - won't stop barking and whining and basically ruins my plans for another 60 minutes of sleep. I get so frustrated that I put her in her crate in the office and shut the door. I do this while reminding myself that she is a dog and not a baby . . but I feel so guilty - like I am ruining her character by not trying to better handle this situation. But I just can't . .

All I long for today - is the kinder simpler life that I had pre-cujo. It was me, DH and the yorkie. When DH left the house - the yorkie and I would slowly prepare to meet our public - I did not worry about him eating the footboard of the bed - or barking so loud that the I am sure the neighbors want to scream. He is 7.5 years old - he is an old man with achy joints - he just wants to rest - just like me!!!

How will I feel when we have kids? If I can barely handle the year old puppy - can you imagine me and the triplets? That got your attention didn't it? Well - multiples are always a risk with ART - but I would be happy with twins - triplets would freak me out.

Bottom line is this - I need to reconnect with minimal stress - I was doing great until the travel started again this month - I was making myself and my family a priority - but I have lost my way - and am desperately trying to find my way back.

I am overwhelmed by my life and probably need a massage, a chef to cook healthy meals and a house with a yard - so that cujo could be a squirrel huntress and leave me alone.

I should be happy this week - the results of the endometrial biopsy are back - it looks great. I have a "beautiful" uterus - I am on a break from shots and we are moving along nicely on the road to baby D - so why do I just want to curl up in the fetal position and sleep for the next few days . . .

I Got Nothin'

End of the weekend - looking at another week of travel - I got nothin' to share.

We had a nice dinner tonight with our neighbors - and a good time last night with BFF and her extended family. Sometimes I am just too tired to be witty - I think that is allowed. I head to NY tomorrow for 2 days and then on to NOLA overnight - home late Thursday.

We have our endometrial biopsy in the morning (notice how I have adopted the "we" that people use in reproductive land i.e " 'we' are pregnant" - when what I want to say is that "I am getting a hunk of my uterine lining yanked out tomorrow for a biopsy to make sure that a fertilized embryo has the best chance of implantation". Can you believe this s--t? I have just spent three weeks getting shots in my a-- every night - just to make sure when they transfer the fertilized embryo - there is a better chance of implantation. I am not mad - I am just sharing.

Here is the absolute truth - even if you were unsure whether or not you wanted to have a baby - spend 3 months getting pelvic ultrasounds, shots in the a-- and lots of bloodwork and then you want a baby more than you want sleep.

Wow - I guess I had something to share after all.

Confessions of An Online Shopper

You know your shopping is out of control and you are trying to make yourself feel better - when you do start to do more online shopping than you have in years and some days you can't remember what is in the box that the UPS man is delivering - but at least you recognize the company.

But I think I reached an all time low - when a box arrived on Wednesday from Iowa - and I did not recognize the company and had no clue about what could be in the box . . but then that angels sang when I opened my box and found my Sheer Cover collection.

What is Sheer Cover you ask? If you don't know - I only imagine that you don't spend a lot of early mornings in hotel rooms in strange cities - looking for the morning news - and finding informercials instead.

I am admitting it - I got sucked in to the Leeza Gibbons "Sheer Cover" infomercial last week at 6:12 am at The Grand Hyatt in NYC - and I am now the proud owner of the Sheer Cover Deluxe Starter Kit - only $108.00. Which I could have paid in3 installments - but I went for broke and paid all at once.

Then because I could barely understand the operator on the other line - who was somewhere in Eastern Europe I might add - I seem to have enrolled in the special "Get a New Shipment Every 90 Days" Club.

But here is the kicker - I actually am liking the product . . it goes on well - the concealer is excellent and it looks natural. I am thinking I should call their toll free-number and see if I can get on one of the infomercials.

I am commending it to those who feel like they have only 5 minutes to get ready - but still want to look like a million bucks.
The stuff is awesome . . .

I will ask DH to take a before and after picture and will send to my fellow divas for comparison.

I will update you on drug smuggling later . . time for a French Martini . . it is 5 pm somewhere in the world.

Drug Smuggling, Dirty Martinis and Boxed Wine

These are my top 3 tonight . . and they are listed in no particular order.

Let's start with Drug Smuggling - I have to go out of town tomorrow and spend the night - this means that I have to carry needles, delestrogen and progesterone in oil through security. Yes - I have prescriptions for them but do you think that will matter for the TSA? I spend way too much time in airports watching the TSA agents take pleasure in busting people . . or making up the rules as they go. Top that off with my 3.5 oz bottle of butt numbing spray that my allergist has prescribed to make the shots more palatable . . which is .5 an oz above the limit for the 1 quart baggie and this is a recipe for disaster. Yes - prescription meds are exempt - but Murphy's Law will prevail - I am sure. Earlier tonight - DH asked me to " try not to go off on the TSA agents tommorrow and remain calm". Scary thing is that I was not insulted - I just said "yes, dear". Wish me luck . .

Dirty Martinis . .

You have to love my allergist - not only did he prescribe me the "butt numbing spray" described above - but when I saw him yesterday - and told him I think that I am allergic to the tanins in wine . . he said "drink vodka because it is pure alcohol with less calories" . . so starting tomorrow - I will be known as the "dirty martini girl . . ."

Boxed Wine. .

Ignoring the tanin allergy issue and trying to be budget conscious - I decided to embrace the new trendy box wines. So now I am telling you all that I am rejecting that trend - we all know that I can drink 64 oz of water a day without blinking - that I have never met a Super Double Big Gulp that I could not suck down in 30 minutes . . so what do you think happens when I am confronted with a box of wine . . . let's just say I suck it down like Kool Aid. I do not do this with intention - it is just another beverage . . . DH would say . ."This is why I worry about you Dear Wife . . ." The man does not drink - so I forgive him.

You Gotta Have Friends

Bette Midler has a great song - "You Gotta Have Friends" Here is the chorus. . .

"You gotta have friends. I'm telling you. I am speaking 'cause I know.
It's going too fast. We're all going too fast!
I'm trying to tell you to slow down!
They're hard to come by! Those friends are hard to come by!
I didn't have many friends, you know.
But, things are getting better now.
And I think it's gonna be okay, 'cause I have a couple now."

Friends,
you gotta, you gotta, you gotta have friends, friends.
You gotta, you gotta, you gotta have friends, friends.
Oh, friends . . .

So anyway . . . .

Just came home this afternoon - after an AWESOME weekend away with a friend from college.

But here is what is neat - she came to town on Thursday and we checked into a hotel in DC for the weekend. I can give no details about her - I made a promise - but this is what I will say - I HAD THE BEST TIME!!!

She went with me to the Mercedes Dealership of Infertility Doctors on Friday - and sat in the waiting room with about 20 other women - while I had an ultrasound and bloodwork - and then we had breakfast at The Four Seasons in Georgetown - then we went shopping - had margaritas for lunch and then met up with friends for drinks and dinner. We toured DC on Saturday - walking 15,000 steps (she had her pedometer) and then finished with a late lunch and a visit to our hotel by DH to give me a nice shot in the a--.

So besides the shopping and the drinking - here is my list of what made the weekend great:

1. If you have known someone for 20 years - you don't have to filter what you say - you just say it and know you won't be judged.

2. There is nothing to hide - you've seen each other at your best and your worst - and when you reconnect - it doesn't matter how much you weigh or how frustrated you are . . . because your friend knows that this too shall pass - but she doesn't tell you "it will pass" - she just listens.

3. When one of you looks like a supermodel and the other one feels like she needs a mumu - you celebrate the supermodel and her jimmy choos - because it gives you inspiration. you know you can have kids, be hot and drive a mini-van.

4. You both appreciate sleeping diagonal in the bed - but you both miss your family.

5. When you act totally goofy - your friend laughs with you - not at you.

6. She teaches you that a starbucks latte has 4 pumps of syrup regardless of cup size - so you can figure out how to make your drink "point-friendly" - if and when you decide to return to weight watchers.

7. She doesn't pass judgment when you go to CVS and buy a pound of jelly beans and peanuts to mix together for a snack - and then add some diet pepsi to chase it down. She only points out that Brach's Jelly Beans are much better than the CVS brand.

8. When she leaves - you promise each other that we will do this again in 6 months and you know you both mean it.

So to you dear friend - thank you for the gift of an incredible weekend and I look forward to the Fall.

Miss K

Bottle of Red . . Bottle of White

Anyone remember the Billy Joel song? Let's just say after the day I have had today - I need a bottle of both . .DH worries about the family history of alcoholism on days like this - but I assure him that I would need to be in DENIAL for him to be super worried and I am not in denial in any way shape or form. What I am is so tired of shots in the "upper quadrant of my buttocks" , tired of the people I work with and tired of being the woman who "forgot to have children." I had to laugh tonight talking to Mommy Dearest and acknowledging that I surprised DH with a weekend away and refused to have sex - because according to my Chinese Acupuncturist - "sperm is a hostile intruder and must wait until embryo transfer to `take care' of husband' ". This is what my life has become - shots, no sex and a bottle of white . . . and waiting to `take care of husband' . . .

Rainy Days and Mondays . . .

Sunday nights are my least favorite. I always wish for one more day of "freedom" or at least a chance to sleep-in one more day. DH and I had a great weekend - I surprised him with a weekend out of town. I arranged for the "dog-children" to go to doggy-boarding and after our doctors appointment on Friday afternoon - I whisked him away. We drove an hour out of town and I managed to surprise him 110%. I like that feeling - because even though everyone laughs at me - I swear I won the lottery when DH and I connected in 2003. Despite the fact that I have 5 years on him - he gets me - in all my "special-ness".

With all of the infertility drama - it is wonderful to know that someone loves me in spite of me.

Here are the some of the lyrics to the song that is the title of this post . . .

Talkin' to myself and feelin' old
Sometimes I'd like to quit
Nothing ever seems to fit
Hangin' around
Nothing to do but frown
Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down.

What I've got they used to call the blues
Nothin' is really wrong
Feelin' like I don't belong
Walkin' around
Some kind of lonely clown
Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down.

****************************************************

Happy Almost Monday.

--Miss K

Pomegranate Martinis

Did you know that in some cultures pomegranates are a symbol representing fertility, abundance and marriage . . I found that out the other day and have decided that I better have a little pomegranate in my life on a regular basis - so tonight is the night for pomegranate martinis . . which makes DH cringe - since his idea of a cocktail is Newman's Own Lemonade or a Virgin Pina Colada. I think he should be estatic that I have found another way to enhance the famiIy fertility - and since I promised that if and when we get preggers - I will give up the alcohol - he should indulge me. Doncha Think?

Where there is a will . . there is a way

As long as I can remember I have hated needles. Mommy Dearest tells all sorts of stories about how I would "try and faint" whenever I had to have a shot or give blood . . well I've Come A Long Way Baby!

A few years ago, my good friend "O" turned me on to acupuncture - better than antidepressants or wine she said. I however, like a combination of all 3 - but I digress.

So I have been experiencing acupunture treatments for almost 4 years - and have felt better once I could get past the initial panic of the needles staying in my limbs for 30 minutes.

Fast forward to January 2007 and the conversation with the now "fired" RE ( I like to think of his practice as the Hyundai Dealership of Reproductive Medicine ). I broke down in tears in his office as he told me about all the shots I would have the pleasure of receiving during the IVF process - but for "the team" I signed up. Then for the hell of it - I decided to start allergy shots - every other week - one shot in each arm . . for the next 2-3 years. Sometimes you just gotta go for broke . .

So close your eyes and imagine my February 2007 - I get up at 6:45 am - DH administers shot in the stomach - I go to work - during lunch I go get a shot in each arm - then come home and I get another shot or 2 in the stomach before bed.

Fast forward to March 2007 - first IVF cycle "cancelled" - lots of finger pointing - RE is fired. I let DH do that - I am non-confrontational on certain things and I really think that I was so disappointed in the RE - that I didn't want to deal. Brief respite from the IVF needles but ladies and gentleman - THEY'RE BACK!

But now - with the new RE -(the Mercedes- Benz Dealership of Reproductive Medicine) - DH is now giving me shots in "the upper quadrant of my buttocks" instead of those wimpy needles in my stomach. Boy do I miss those "wimpy" needles . . but luckily - since I have gained 50 pounds post wedding with all these fun infertility treatment - there is a big ole target for him.

So here I sit - a woman who used to "try and faint" when I saw a needle - getting shots in my a-- on the regular, having allergy shots and spending an hour with 12-15 acupuncture needles all over my body once a week - all in pursuit of peace, happiness and "baby d".

As my BFF told me some years back when I was lamenting the state of my life "just remember in this moment - that this is as good as is gets . . ". So if I can withstand all these needles and we can get a baby or two out of it - then this is just the tip of as good as it gets.

And of course DH will owe me forever . . .

Doing The Ian

In an attempt to be more productive on the J-O-B - I have committed myself to drive my neighbor to work each morning that I am in town - and he has as many rules as I do - if not more - so we leave each morning at 7:05 a.m. The upside is that we get to use the HOV lane - so I am at work by 7:30 a.m.

We all agree that he is single handly improving my company's bottom line and my productivity because he is the only reason that I leave the house at this insane hour.

It is not that I want to be sleeping - it is that I want to "piddle and diddle" around my house in the morning. I want to watch TV, read the paper, contemplate my navel and just generally drag my feet.

Secretly, I think that I preparing myself for the day when we have kids and I lose the opportunity to lay in bed until the last possible moment. That must be it - otherwise why would I torture myself with a 5:25 a.m. alarm . .

Off to get ready to meet Ian!

Infertility

This is what has driven me to blogging and putting my life on blast. I never thought I would be one of those women who counted the number of failed IUI's or blamed her "incompetent" RE for failure to use the proper protocol. But here I am . . DH thinks that God will take care of us - and all I can think is that God gives us tools and we better use them. I got married at 39 - so did I assume the risk? Am I that cartoon character who forgot to get married and forgot to have kids! Sometimes I think yes. But here I am at age 41 - spending in excess of $25,000 to have a baby and I keep wondering - if God doesn't give you more than you can handle - I must have a SPECIAL place in heaven.

Why Am I Putting My Life on Blast?

If you know me at all, you know I always have a story to tell. And let me tell you that the past couple of years of my life have been one big drama - just waiting to get told to an audience. The difficulty here is that I am no longer just me with my story - I have a husband - who is uber private and is cringing to think that you dear reader are in his business. Well, his business is my business and I am putting my business on blast. Yes Mother - all that money on a fancy education and I am using slang . . oh and by the way Santa Claus is a black man