beginner or re-beginner

this is the name of the running program in which i am participating.  it is also the name of where i find myself in life. a new job by definition makes you a re-beginner.  i have worked before and i have worked well - but now it is all brand new.  sure - i have an impressive title - but that fragile feeling of being the one isn't sure about the protocol for decisions, or whether or not to ask permission or seek forgiveness - who won't leave at 4:55 - just in case someone needs me at 4:59 - those are the things that creep into my psyche and give me that re-beginner feeling.  i long for the day when i can feel secure in my decisions again, when i will speak with the authority of someone who " has been doing this for years" and when at 3:15 p.m. on a friday - i will say "peace out" and pick up the divine miss q from daycare early.  change and transition are difficult for me - i know it and i understand what is happening in my psyche now - but it doesn't mean i have to like it.