the courage to start

tomorrow is a big day. 

i am trying out a program at the local running store to see if it fits my needs.  the coach told me to come and join the group run - before i committed to the 6 month program.

here is a description of the program:

Pacers Beginner and Re-Beginner (B&RB) training program is a specially designed regimen for women of all ages who have never run at all and for women who once ran consistantly but have not run for a while. Personalized coaching is provided in a supportive team environment with knowledgeable and committed coaches and motivating training partners who allow you to accomplish more than you could training on your own.

This comprehensive program for women, with groups from the Alexandria, Arlington and Fairfax store locations, is a a platform for setting reasonable goals, working hard to achieve those goals and having a lot of fun reaching them. Imagine crossing the finish line for the first time regardless of the race distance and experiencing a feeling of accomplishment unlike any other . . . . . 

gives you a kind of cool - triathlete wanna be feeling.  makes me think about all the "gear" in my near future.

it reminds me of the woman i once was before becoming a mom and losing my way a little bit.

i am realizing that this is more than just feeling fat, tired and forty-three. 

this is about the courage to start believing in me and caring about me again.  realizing that if i don't make me a priority - no one else will.  and  i am not mad at them for that - i am just realizing that i need to start taking responsibility for me again.

being a mom is the best thing i have ever done.  i kick myself daily that i did not get here sooner and praying that i can get here a time or two more.

but being a mom is hard.  i am third of three in my house - by choice.  everyone else's needs and schedules trump - because i allow it.  i feel guilty if i am not here when Q wakes up and i feel guilty if i am not here when she goes to bed.  i know this needs to change.

so tomorrow - when i leave the house at 5:40 to join the group run - they will all be asleep. when i get home 2 hours later - they will be in full swing and i will wonder what i missed.

i need to change that thought pattern and realize what i gained - by taking some time for me, by activating to improve my health and well being.  

not what did i miss - but what did i gain.

stay tuned.